Republicans Debate the Importance of the Commander-In-Chief Schlong

Unofficial Transcripts of Republican Debate on Schlong Size

(Caution:   This debate may be offensive to evangelical Christians) 

Hated Reporter  

Mr. Trump who do you think of your opponents has the biggest schlong?

Trump                

Well we all know who has the biggest.

Hated Reporter  

Who do you mean?

Trump         

It’s the doctor.   

Hated Reporter

Dr. Carson?

Trump 

                (clearly irritated)               

I really hate you guys but I won't kill you!  Let’s quit being politically correct, its Dr. Rand Paul.   Everyone knows Kentuckians have big ones.  

Hated Reporter      

Ms. Fioroni, Mr. Trump has called you ugly.   If you were to win the Republican nomination, do you think Mr. Trump has a big enough schlong to be your vice President?

Carli Fiorina       

I don’t judge a man by the size of his schlong—but c’mon we all know Presbyterians have small schlongs.   As a former CEO of HP I didn’t care how big my employees schlongs were---I still fired them.   I may not have a schlong but I do have the balls to be President. 

Hated Reporter   

Mr. Bush.   Do you think the size of a man’s schlong matters for him to be President?

Jeb Bush             

As my brother clearly demonstrated on his war against terrorists, it was not the size of a President’s schlong but rather how he waived it and that is why we succeeded in Iraq

Hated Reporter

(turning to Christie)

Governor Christie, as a fat man, as you know a small schlong  can be viewed as a problem.  Are really ready to take on Vladimir Putin.  Rumor is that he has a large schlong.

Chris Christie

Look everyone knows Russians have small schlongs.    I think it is time to move on.

The buzzer rings

Hated Reporter              

It is time to move on

Governor John Kasich is moving around and clearly agitated waving his hand at the hated reporter

Hated Reporter            

Yes governor.

John Kasich

Dag gone it.   No has asked me about my schlong and why I should be President.

Cruz and Rubio are seen chuckling and winking at each other

Hated Reporter              

Gentlemen what is so funny?

Ted Cruz

Everyone in the room knows Cubans have large schlongs

Marco Rubio

As you know I am the son of Cuban immigrants and my father was a bartender and he told me to be proud of my schlong.  No matter what people may say about your schlong, wave it and flaunt it. 

God bless America and God bless Castro who sent my parents to America.